Letter #2

Dear Whoever Is in Charge of Hiring a Cleaning Person,

Please hire a real cleaning person. The person you have currently employed to clean our office is beyond inadequate. She is dangerous. I fear for my health and safety with her being our janitor. It was bad enough at the beginning that she never vacuumed and the only way to clean the desk tops was to wipe them down yourself with a Lysol wipe and sweep crumbs into the garbage. But then it got worse when I discovered that she cleans the bathroom by refilling the towel dispenser and spraying air freshener. Not even disinfectant air freshener. Just some orange smelling junk. At least when she cleans the rest of the office she sprays Lysol. I don't know if anyone has ever told her that Lysol does not clean things. Maybe you could tell her that on her way out.

Because, now, dear Sir/Madam, now I come to her most disconcerting practice—a practice I have witnessed with my own two eyes on not one, not two, but three separate occasions. Thrice in a week we contained prisoners with MRSA, an unpleasant, highly communicable disease and one that, shockingly, I would prefer not to contract. When I informed the cleaning lady that the cells had been contaminated with a highly contagious disease and then commented that the MRSA cleaning solution was conveniently situated on the counter, she nodded and then SPRAYED THE CELLS WITH LYSOL FOR THREE FULL MINUTES. And then she just left.

May I beg you to please find a new cleaning person. And ban Lysol. And reimburse the dispatchers for the time they have spent vacuuming, taking out the garbage, cleaning the pathetic little sink, finding and restocking their own towels and soap, and protecting themselves from MRSA.

Thank you,

Dispatch

Letter

Dear Work Computer,

I need you to work out your issues and stop undermining me. It's beginning to make me look bad. I'm new to this job, so I'd appreciate a little cooperation. I really do make quite enough mistakes on my own. Please refer to the following list and remedy your problems in the reverse order they are listed. You're a computer, so that shouldn't be difficult.

When I type a command in your command line and press "enter," follow the command and don't just make the line disappear.

When I enter a driver's license number into the search field and press "enter," search the database for that license number and do not shut my computer down.

When I click on a link to display the details on a protective order, please display the details of the order and do not shut my computer down.

When I add a call that automatically launches the question/answer program, launch the question/answer program and do not shut my computer down.

Finally, please, please, please, just please! STOP shutting my computer down.

Sincerely,

Dispatch

Uncomfortable

Today I had a caller refuse to give me even one iota of personal or identifying information. But far from being the usual irritation, this caller nearly made me burst out laughing.

I answered the 911 line with my standard, "911, what is the location of your emergency?" only to be greeted by a timid child's voice that echoed as though he weren't speaking directly into the phone.

"It's me," the boy admitted sadly.

"Hello? This is 911. Can you hear me?"

"It's me," he repeated. He sounded as though he knew he was about to get scolded for eating a cookie before dinner.

"This is 911. Can I help you?"

The boy didn't answer a third time and some background noise scuffled shortly before an older child's voice spoke directly into the phone.

"Hey Mom. Sorry, I thought he called someone random."

"Actually, this is 911. Do you need help?"

Silence.

"Hello? This is 911. Do you need help?"

"No, we don't. Sorry. My little brother accidentally called. This is 911? I'm sorry."

"It's fine. Who'm I talking to?"

"Um. I'm not comfortable telling you that."

Gotta say. That's the first time I've heard that. But, ok. Let's roll with it. "Ok. Where are you?" I'm staring at your location on my screen, but I'm going to ask anyway.

"Um. I'm not comfortable telling you that."

Wow. Kid's learned stranger danger, I guess. "Ok. That's fine. Is there an adult nearby that I can talk to?"

"Um. I'm not comfortable telling you that."

So, "no" is the answer to there being an adult present. But I need some information. Anything, really. "Ok. That's fine. You know this is the police, right? This is 911. I just need to know everything is ok there and you don't need emergency services."

"Um. I'm not comfortable telling you that."

"Hey. Are you ok? Is there any trouble there?"

"Yeah, we're fine, I'm just not comfortable telling you . . . " The kid stopped and sounded confused about using "that" again.

"Right." Any kid who's hesitating at improperly using a demonstrative pronoun without a clear antecedent is okay in my book. "If everything's ok, I'm going to hang up now."

"Yeah it's ok. Sorry again. Bye."

I'm surprised you were comfortable telling me that.

Eclectic Duties

This job comes with some of the strangest impromptu duties. Today's winning assignment: care for drunk woman's dog. I don't have a dog and therefore got tricked into circumambulating the station in the freezing morning while the dog peed on every vertical object protruding from the ground, plus one specific leaf in the middle of the lawn.

He then jumped on my lap and tried his paw at dispatching.

Truth be told, he did better than some dispatchers I've seen. 

We Do Not Provide Those

At a traffic accident involving a vehicle versus a fence, the officer called for the next wrecker rotation. My partner on phones rang up the next tow company. While she was still on the line with them, the officer told us to advise the wrecker they may need a winch as the car had tipped almost on its side.

My partner, hearing the officer and still on the phone, said "Our officer is advising that you'll need to bring your own wrench."

I jumped in to correct her and loudly said, "Winch! Winch!"

"Oh! Oh!" she hurried, "Wench!"

That's right. All tow companies be advised, we do not provide wenches on scene. Please bring your own.